Day before hand in date

I have rewritten the piece in the first person. This has helped to give it a better sense of voice, and also cut down the word limit. As this is the intro to the novel my tutor emphasized quality over quantity so i will not overwrite it to fill the gap. It is about 4500 words out of a limit of 5000 so that seems fine. By writing in the first person it gave me much more opportunity to add humour between Bernadette, Sam and Millie. Bernadette is a more extroverted character in my final draft as i felt her friendship with Millie wasn't clear enough before. She is now the gentle encouragement that gets Millie to go have her photo taken. I have also added a little detail that she fancies the photographer. This is to premeditate the later difficult situation when he hits on her sleazily. But at the start he seems perfect and the reader see him this way too until the relationship takes a darker twist. I have learnt from this assignement that it is very difficult to write a teenage fiction in the thrid person. Although third person is my preferred style i was more successful when i adapted my writing style to the story rather than the other way around.

Still editing.

It is proving difficult to write this piece - mainly because my mind is set in the science fiction essay style of previous uni work! Pippa has helped with suggestions of how i can cut down my over written latest draft. Pippa commented that "the problem with being very literary and clever in your writing is that we readers tend to focus on the writing rather than the story, which isn't what you want, especially in a teenage read." With this in mind i will be substantially cutting down the 'telling' parts, for instance the story of Sophie spilling drink on Kirsty - as she is not a major character in any way.

I am considering a drastic overhaul, as my editing is not helping me make it better. I may rewrite the whole story in the first person. That way, it would be easier to get her voice across, and lose the over formal narrating.

Pretty settled on Corgi Childrens (an imprint of Random House Children's Books) for my publisher.

Feedback on finished draft

I took my finished draft in to the workshop today and found that my style needs some improvement. My style is that of reporting rather than showing through the actions of the characters. Pippa encouraged me to think less about the word count, so i have injected the piece with far more dialouge and will cut it back down later on. The dialogue has enabled me to make it more humourous which is better and change the character of the talent scout to a less nice one, therefore becoming more believable. I will send it to Pippa for feedback in its entirety and hopefully have my final copy over the weekend.

I have started researching the editor's letter, and have found under Random House Group Ltd, in their Transworld Books division, Corgi Children's Books. Corgi have published all of Jacqueline Wilson's Girls series which are what I have been reading for inspiration. She tackles some similar issues in her book, Girls Under Pressure, so i would assume that this publishing company would be well aimed toward publishing my book. They state that they do not accept unsolicited manuscripts, but for the course of this exercise, i will write as though it is being sent through an agent.

Editing final drafts

My initial drafts were quite over written, and went over the word limit of up to 5000 words. In order to cut down to well below the limit, I sent it to other readers for feedback and, having received the comments back, went through and thoroughly edited the work. I benefitted from this by then having enough space to continue the story to a satifactory point. The problem with the word count meant that, although I had reached four chapters in my opening, the fourth chapter did not have enough space to finish very well. I was forced to stop the story where she is about to have her photo taken, and I had always intended to show her doing well in the photoshoot in this assignment as that is what sets the tone for the rest of the plot. Without this part, the reader would not know if she was talented in modelling or not, therefore would not be as enticed by my writing as the assignment called for.

Once I had applied the suggestions from others, i proofread it myself as a critical writer. I reworded many points that seemed to tell the reader what was happening, instead of showing it. For example the line, "Millie sigh inwardly at her inabilty to sit anywhere cosy without causing a greivance with her height" was changed to a more simple, yet better described "She awkwardly arranged her legs within the tight space."

In this genre of writing, short snappy description is crucial for maintaining the younger reader's interest. It also helps to fine-tune my protagonist's voice which enriches the piece as a whole as is told very much from the point of view of Millie.

Developed Synopsis

Due to the fact i didnt want my work to seem as though it justified kids dropping out of school, i've decided to change the overall plot line of the story. She no longer goes to London but in fact models on weekends, working it around her studies.

Millie Vancouver Synopsis

Millie Vancouver is a tall sixteen year old who and feels awkward and gangly. The other girls in the class have nicknamed her “green giant”, often taunting her with the song as she passes in the corridor. The group of bullying girls are all petite and pretty with cloned style of the head bully, Kirsty. Millie has fiery red hair that she struggles to control, and a laid back dress sense. Her best friend is a boy called Sam. Sam is keen on fashion, with an eccentric sense of style.

The Textiles class goes on a trip to the Clothes Show. As the trip approaches all of the girls are picking new outfits in the hope of being spotted by model scouts. Millie doesn’t make any more effort than normal as doesn’t think it is possible she would stand out amongst the prettier girls. She is more concerned with the revenge the bullies will be taking on her, after Sam answering Kirsty back at school the previous day. They lock her in a cleaning cupboard. They plan it for the whole day but luckily Sam and Bernadette find her quickly and they can enjoy the Clothes Show. Millie is approached by a scout and goes to have her photo taken. She bumps in to the bullies who are posing around the agency stall. They are speechless and jealous, much to Millie and her friends’ satisfaction.

Millie starts to model on weekends and around her studies. She meets Dana and Hayley. They are beautiful and cool, but both bad influences in their own way. Dana is a bitch who chain smokes instead of eating to keep thin, and there are hints of drugs. The other is Hayley, who is sweet but approaching late twenties, so often sleeps with photographers to keep getting work. Both resent the freshness of Millie at first and make it difficult for her. By learning to gain respect from these two girls and stand up for herself, Millie learns how to deal with the bullies back home. She gets on well with the photographer who offers her further work. She ignores warnings from Hayley about him. Everything seems perfect.

As time goes on, Millie starts to become vainer, wearing designer clothes and straightening her hair. She changes completely from how she is at the beginning of the book. Sam and Bernadette become angry with her as they can see she is different and only cares about herself. They argue and stop talking to her, but she doesn’t worry because she has her model friends.

Before long, Hayley is proven right as the photographer makes advances on Millie. It is sleazy and uncomfortable, and she learns to be more careful. At a party, Millie finds Dana in the toilets suffering an overdose. Millie can’t get Hayley to help because she is so drunk she is all over a worker from the agency. The ambulance arrive and take Dana away.

This is a quick paced reality check so Millie is upset and goes to see Sam and Bernadette. He and Bernadette forgive Millie after she goes to see them. She keeps her confidence she has gained but loses her ego.

Epilogue:

Years on, Sam becomes a fashion designer and Millie starts a successful modelling agency of her own where all the models are offered nutrition and anti drug support. The pair work in connection with each other and remain best friends.

Third Draft

Have drafted the whole assignment now. The word count is proving restrictive, so i have shown it up until she is about to go for her photo shoot. However, the relationships and character shave been introduced, as well as the first real satisfying beating of the bullies. I feel taht the few chapters written include material to draw the reader in to want to see what happens for the rest of the book. Now it just needs editing as some words need to be cut and i think it is convuluteds in its writing in places. i want to keep the pace fast as she is a witty girl, and the elements of humour wouldn't work otherwise.

Second Draft Feedback

Have now written the story up until the class are entering the clothesshow. it sets the scene for the girls being rather vicious bullies with Millie in their sightline. She is terrified of what they are going to do, but they are left speechless as she gets scouted and photographed in front of them. The beginning feels a little dreary at the moment so intend to inject some more humour in to it in later drafts. Introduces new character of Bernadette the Teacher's Pet, that is going to become a closer friend to Sam and Millie by the end so she comes out with a new friend.

Feedback from Claire Trevor 16/04/10

Love the show not tell on character sam. definatley works best for not mentioning that he is perhaps a raving homo. pippa said we could do "extracts from the beginning" as well as just the first few chapters if this helps.

Claire also helped by pointing out the parts of my writing that were convuluted and less effective. As a first draft it needs substantial editing down, also without this i won't have enough space within the word count to reach the first climax of the plotline which i think is crucial for writing something that hooks a reader in.