I wonder

if she knows.

It makes me sad every time i think of the way our silence has been misconstrued. It breaks my heart to think that you would say i "hate" you? How on earth could I? Unfortunately, after a certain space of time, a silence becomes a giant great void between two people. It has become too far to jump across. So... I am trying to build a little bridge out of chopsticks, vanilla ice cream and spit. Even if you don't notice, i can live with myself a little better for trying.

I never meant to ignore you. I know you've heard excuses like work... boyfriend.... job... but in my case it was true for a little while. And when i came out the other side of a horribly poor, pressured little tunnel, you weren't there anymore. I thought we could talk at my bbq, you didnt arrive till too late, so i became angry and went to bed. That was immature of me, I know. But maybe just that time you could have tried, just a little, to be there before it got too drunken and retarded for us to talk. I know you were angry at me for leaving. For me that was our sticking point - both angry for the same reason but both playing the victim.

I miss you. And all nighters. And cigarettes in the toilet. And fairy lights. And strawberry flavour shisha bongs. And your rants. And my rants. And podcast conversations. And deep thoughts after vodka and disgusting dandelion and burdock juice. And you witches vagina beneath the floor bed. And contempt for the fools surrounding us. And songs. And Ceebeebies.

I have a folder holding my favourite pictures. You are in most of them. I look at them alot.

I'm writing this cos you are the only person who will ever read this and actually understand.