Pippa's feedback to Draft 1

Dear Rebecca,

Sorry to hear that you've been unwell. Claire (Trevor) told me that was why you were away. Poor you!

I'm very impressed with your Millie Vancouver. There's some lovely writing in it. I especially like the 'ticking of her chweing gum going round and round in her open mouth', and Sam being someone who can 'find a reflection in anything'. Those are lovely efficient and fresh glimpses of characters that really tell a lot. A few areas that didn't quite work as well as they might for me - firstly I found the opening about Millie having a too big blazer, yet being exceptionally tall, a bit of a muddle. Wouldn't it work better (paint a clearer picture in the reader's mind) if the blazer was short on her long arms, leaving exposed bony wrists? I thought the almost Dr Who-like army of identikit horrible clone girls were a bit too identical to feel real. Same hairdo, same bag, yes, but different physiques surely? If Millie has known Sam since they were small children, then why is she a new girl at the school? Perhaps we're about to find out the answer to that, but, as a reader, I'd like that explained before too long. The bit on the last full page where Sam is saying clever things that turn into a joke against Kirsty didn't quite work for me. Perhaps I was being dumb, but I didn't see where his joke was. Try it on friends and see whether it works for them - it may well just be me who is being thick!

I think you're on course for a good mark with this work - well done! Make sure that you're developing your journal as you work. And I look forward to seeing you at the final class after EAster.